My Life Has Changed Forever

It has been over a year since I have posted here. The desire to blog comes and goes. Well, today I have a few things to write about. Life seldom if ever goes the way we think it will go. I had (I hate using that tense) been fully expecting to live out my life with Teresa and Kirk in Chesapeake. I had moved so many times in my life that I had finally said enough, this is where I am going to die. Didn’t work out that way. On April 26th, Teresa died. It was completely unexpected. She had been suffering from a problem with her jaw and her ability to eat, which caused her to lose a lot of weight. Doctors had not been able to figure out exactly what the problem was and how to treat it.

Teresa had finally paid off her mortgage and sold her rental property, so she finally had money after a life of sacrifice for her son Kirk and daughter Dana to spoil herself. And she was doing just that and loving it. Then I got sick with bronchitis for a couple weeks and just when I was getting over it Teresa started to cough and not feel well. We thought she had gotten what I had. But then she started to get weak and ache all over. She was in so much pain she couldn’t move. Then one day she threw up blood. I called 911 and the paramedics arrived. Her blood pressure was extremely low. She was taken to Maryview Hospital.

The initial diagnosis was ulcers in the esophagus. She was given a blood transfusion and other medications. She was told she would have to be on a certain medication for the rest of her life and she had to stop smoking. They were planning to release her in a few days if she improved. Then I received a call that a biopsy that was done on her esophagus showed that she had advanced esophageal cancer. A bone scan was done, and it was determined to be stage 4 of a very aggressive cancer. Teresa decided that she didn’t want to pursue and further treatments.

Teresa came home a few days later on hospice, taking morphine and an anxiety medication. She also had to be on oxygen at all times. I think at that point she basically gave up. She died a few days later. I was the last person to see her alive and the first person to see her dead. She had chosen cremation and did not want to have a service, so that morning was the last time I had with her. She had given her daughter Dana the house she had sacrificed so much to keep. Since I had been renting the upstairs mother-in-law suite for 15 years, I was going to have to move. It also meant that I would have to say goodbye to Kirk. We had been a family for 15 years, longer than any of my previous two marriages had lasted.

So now I am living in an apartment in a lovely apartment complex. There is a pool, weight room, lake, and other amenities very close to me. It is OK. My dog Cali has finally accepted that this is her new home for now. I still am grieving over losing my family. I have cried every day since I think. I know I will always miss Teresa and Kirk. Life will never be the same again. I am 73 years old and am finally starting to get tired of living. There is a quote from the movie ‘The Green Mile’ that pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

I’m rightly tired of the pain I hear and feel, boss. I’m tired of bein on the road, lonely as a robin in the rain. Not never havin no buddy to go on with or tell me where we’s comin from or goin to or why. I’m tired of people bein ugly to each other. It feels like pieces of glass in my head. I’m tired of all the times I’ve wanted to help and couldn’t. I’m tired of bein in the dark. Mostly it’s the pain. There’s too much. If I could end it, I would. But I can’t.


That is about it for this post. More to follow, I hope.

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